Quotes

Just don't create a file called -rf. :-)

Larry Wall

Of course, this is a heuristic, which is a fancy way of saying that it doesn't work.

Mark-Jason Dominus

The error message is the Truth. The error message is God.

Mark-Jason Dominus

I was born not knowing and have had only a little time to change that here and there.

Richard Feynman

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

Ernest Hemingway

Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater.

Albert Einstein

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Albert Einstein

Computers are useless. They can only give you answers.

Pablo Picasso

Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd be irresponsible, too.

Lichty and Wagner

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.

Mark Twain

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Napoleon Bonaparte

If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world.

J.R.R. Tolkien

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.

David T. Wolf

Someone's boring me. I think it's me.

Dylan Thomas

They say that God is everywhere, and yet we always think of Him as somewhat of a recluse.

Emily Dickinson

If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid!

Eddie Izzard

But Hitler killed people next door.... stupid man.

Eddie Izzard

I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup.

Eddie Izzard

They say that "guns don't kill people, people kill people."... But I think the gun helps.

Eddie Izzard

I'm quite interested in death. In a kind of morbid way.

Eddie Izzard

If I was Achilles, I'd put my foot in a fuck off block of concrete, for starters.

Eddie Izzard

I invented a helicopter that went under water. Bit of a death trap. But the spark was there...

Eddie Izzard

Facts are meaningless. They can be used to prove anything that's even remotely true.

Homer Simpson

We'll bring you the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat, and because we've got soccer highlights, the sheer pointlessness of a zero-zero tie.

Dan on "Sportsnight"

Sex without love is an empty gesture. But as empty gestures go, it is one of the best.

Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

George Carlin

I have trouble with toast. Toast is very difficult. You have to watch it all the time or it burns up.

Julia Child

I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.

Douglas Adams

The metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.

Dave Berry

There are only two ways of dealing with women... and neither of them work.

Jeff Thompson

Sentences long extremely and notation Polish reverse in writing about wrong is what?

Jarkko Hietaniemi

I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning.

Plato

Come, come, good wine is a good familiar creature if it be well used; exclaim no more against it.

William Shakespeare (Othello, Act II, Sc. 3)

Wine is the most civilized thing in the world.

Ernest Hemingway

God made only water, but man made wine.

Victor Hugo

I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.

Woody Allen

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

David Letterman

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.

John Maynard Keynes

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Albert Einstein

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

Scott Adams

Poor man want to be rich. Rich man want to be king. But the king ain't satisfied till he rules everything.

Bruce Springsteen (Badlands)

Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets.

The Brigader, "Dr. Who"

I think it would be a good idea.

Gandhi on Western Civilization

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.

Steven Wright

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Robin Williams

I believe that Ronald Reagan can make this country what it once was - an Arctic region covered with ice.

Steve Martin

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.

Mark Twain

I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons.

Douglas Adams

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.

Henry Adams

Anyone who is not shocked by quantum theory has not understood it.

Niels Bohr

Your theory is crazy, but it's not crazy enough to be true.

Niels Bohr

Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing.

Stan Kelly-Bootle

The problem with computers is you *play* with them.

Richard Feynman

You can tell how far we have to go when FORTRAN is the language of supercomputers.

Steven Feiner

Trying to outsmart a compiler defeats much of the purpose of using one.

Kernighan & Plauger

Some languages are designed to solve a problem. Others are designed to prove a point.

Bell Labs saying.

If rats are experimented on they will develop cancer.

Morton's Law

Chess is a foolish expedient for making idle people believe they are doing something very clever when they are only wasting their time

George Bernard Shaw

Science is a good thing. News reporters are good things too. But it's never a good idea to put them in the same room.

Scott Adams

Metaphysics is a dark ocean without shores or lighthouse, strewn with many a philosophic wreck.

Immanuel Kant

I'm worried that the universe will soon need replacing. It's not holding a charge.

Edward Chilton

Furious activity is no substitute for understanding.

H. H. Williams

Computers make it easy to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Andy Rooney

A common mistake that people make when trying to design something completely foolproof is to underestimate the ingenuity of complete fools.

Douglas Adams

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Isaac Asimov

A civilized society is one which tolerates eccentricity to the point of doubtful sanity.

Robert Frost

There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Jeremy S. Anderson

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.

Steve Wozniak

Thou shalt not follow the NULL pointer, for chaos and madness await thee at its end.

Henry Spencer

A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is not worth knowing.

Alan Perlis

Science has proof without any certainty. Creationists have certainty without any proof.

Ashley Montague

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

Napoleon Bonaparte

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Bjarne Stroustrup

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Paul Erdos

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Salvador Dali

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Frank Lloyd Wright

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Isaac Asimov

Anyone who attempts to generate random numbers by deterministic means is, of course, living in a state of sin.

John von Neumann

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Jean-Paul Sartre

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Woody Allen

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Henry Louis Mencken

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Mark Twain

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

George Bernard Shaw

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Mario Andretti

Call me paranoid but finding '/*' inside this comment makes me suspicious.

Apple MPW Compiler

This array has no size, and that's bad.

Apple MPW Compiler

Type in (cast) must be scalar; ANSI 3.3.4; page 39, lines 10-11 (I know you don't care, I'm just trying to annoy you)

Apple MPW Compiler

A typedef name was a complete surprise to me at this point in your program.

Apple MPW Compiler

Even though Mac Users may be only 10% of the market, always remember that we are the TOP 10%.

Douglas Adams

Life is a disease, sexually transmitted and fatal.

Neil Gaiman

There's so much comedy on television. Does that cause comedy in the streets?

Dick Cavett

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, "What! You too? I thought I was the only one!"

C.S. Lewis

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Wright

You are not thinking. You are merely being logical.

Neils Bohr

Ending a sentence with a preposition is something up with which I will not put.

Winston Churchill

Always forgive your enemies; nothing annoys them so much.

Oscar Wilde

Arguments are to be avoided; they are always vulgar and often convincing.

Oscar Wilde

Only dull people are brilliant at breakfast.

Oscar Wilde

There is no such thing as a moral or an immoral book. Books are well written or badly written.

Oscar Wilde

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.

Oscar Wilde

Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for they are subtle and quick to anger.

J.R.R. Tolkien

I cordially dislike allegory in all its manifestations, and always have done since I grew old and wary enough to detect its presence.

J.R.R. Tolkien

The next time we elect a president, for God's sake can we do a background check?

David Letterman

I won't insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said.

William Buckley, Jr.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Euripides

Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.

Charles Schultz

That's the whole problem with science. You've got a bunch of empiricists trying to describe things of unimaginable wonder.

Calvin (& Hobbes)

I do not like it, and I am sorry I ever had anything to do with it.

Erwin Schrodinger on quantum mechanics

The biggest cause of trouble in the world today is that the stupid people are so sure about things and the intelligent folks are so full of doubts.

Bertrand Russell

A goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also just stupid.

James D. Watson

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservative.

John Stuart Mill

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Will Rogers

A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and gets to bed at night, and in between he does what he wants to do.

Bob Dylan

Come to think of it, there are already a million monkeys on a million typewriters, and Usenet is NOTHING like Shakespeare.

Blair Houghton

The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion.

George Washington

The ink of the scholar is more sacred than the blood of the martyr.

Muhammad

All science is either physics or stamp collecting.

Ernest Rutherford

The half-life of not getting the point is forever.

Stanley Kubrick

How much easier it is to be critical than to be correct.

Benjamin Disraeli

Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.

Dave Platt

Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, and obeys the second law of thermodynamics; i.e. it always increases.

Norman R. Augustine

The disadvantage of working over networks is that you can't so easily go into someone else's office and rip their bloody heart out.

Jim McDonald

The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true.

Robert Oppenheimer

Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.

Robert Oppenheimer

Once... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

W. C. Fields

If the world were a logical place, men would ride side-saddle.

Rita Mae Brown

If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?

John Cleese

Some of you say religion makes people happy. So does laughing gas.

Clarence Darrow

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now I'm beginning to believe it.

Clarence Darrow

The First Amendment was designed to protect offensive speech, because nobody ever tries to ban the other kind.

Mike Godwin

When the [Supreme] Court moved to Washington in 1800, it was provided with no books, which probably accounts for the high quality of early opinions.

Robert H. Jackson

Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.

Isaac Asimov

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?

H. L. Mencken

Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur.

Danto Granosalis

True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country.

Kurt Vonnegut

Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquesting faith. I consider the capacity for it terrifying.

Kurt Vonnegut

Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it.

Seymour Clay on virtual memory.

This isn't right. This isn't even wrong.

Wolfgang Ernst Pauli

A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there.

Charles Darwin

Everyone who believes in telekinesis, raise my hand.

James Randi

The battle of the sexes will never be won as long as we keep sleeping with the enemy.

Emo Phillips

"Faith" means not wanting to know what is true.

Nietzsche

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Steven Wright

When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic.

Steven Wright

In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: It goes on.

Robert Frost

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Philip K. Dick

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.

Philip K. Dick

In the fields of observation chance favors only the prepared mind.

Louis Pasteur

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

George Bernard Shaw

Nationalism is an infantile disease. It is the measles of mankind.

Albert Einstein

Strength and wisdom are not opposing values.

William Jefferson Clinton

I would rather have a mind opened by wonder than one closed by belief.

Gerry Spence

The whole world is about three drinks behind.

Ring Lardner

If that turns out to be true, I'll quit physics.

Max von Laue on electrons having wave properties

The best way to execute french cooking is to get good and loaded and whack the hell out of a chicken. Bon apetite.

Julia Child

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.

Elayne Boosler

How inappropriate that this planet be called Earth, when it should clearly be called Ocean.

Arthur C. Clarke

The universe is not only queerer than we suppose, but queerer than we can suppose.

J.B.S. Haldane

I detest the cancerous ooze of (sub)urban sprawl.

Benjamin Abell

I wrote an ad for Apple Computer: "Macintosh - We might not get everything right, but at least we knew the century was going to end."

Douglas Adams

Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game.

Douglas Adams

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.

Ambrose Bierce

What year did Jesus think it was?

George Carlin

We have a presidential election coming up. And I think the big problem, of course, is that someone will win.

Barry Crimmins

I love restaurants. You're sitting there and all of a sudden, there's food. It's like magic.

Brian Wilson

Turns out we've all been eating the wrong thing... since the dawn of civilization!

Lewis Black on the Atkins Diet

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently 3 full-time, 24-hour news networks.

Jon Stewart

What if we all had the infinite power of gods, limited only by the constraints of backwards-compatibility and unanimity? Prove we don't.

John M. Anglin

Be careful, with quotations you can damn anything.

Andr Malraux

I might be in the basement. I'll go upstairs and check.

M. C. Escher

Any child can tell you that the sole purpose of a middle name is so he can tell when he's in trouble.

Dennis Fakes

Madness is rare in individuals, but in groups, parties, nations, and ages it is the rule.

Friedrich Nietzsche

That was madness. You're never going to bring one of those down with a handgun.

Sean Penn on why he regrets shooting at "paparazzi" helicopters

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect had intended for us to forgo their use.

Galileo

This crime called blasphemy was invented by priests for the purpose of defending doctrines not able to take care of themselves.

Robert G. Ingersoll

Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful.

Seneca the Younge

You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.

Rich Jeni, on religious wars

Now my wife may think she's locked me out of the kitchen, but MacGyver's not my patron saint for nothing.

Alton Brown

As the Romans showed us, sometimes to have a civilization, you have to obliterate some mother fuckers.

Kyle S. Brayton

A mother and baby are the same age, as a 1 day old baby has a 1 day old mother.

Gene Ray, in a rare moment of lucidity

Since crowds do not reason, they can only be organized and stimulated through symbols and phrases.

Ivy Ledbetter Lee

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

Joseph Addison

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.

Edsger Dijkstra

Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist.

F. L. Bauer

Arguing with an engineer is like wrestling with a pig in mud. After a while, you realise the pig is enjoying it.

Jamie Lawrence