March 20, 2007
Today's Presser
I have never heard George W. Bush so mad.
Posted by emily at 5:49 PM | Comments (0)
March 9, 2007
Running Towards The Lizard King
I guess if the left can have Bill Clinton nostalgia, the right is allowed Newt Gingrich nostalgia. I suppose it would be idiotic to remind them he wasn't that fab of a speaker. They rammed TANF down Clinton's throat, but remember the shutdown? Tactical blunder, big time.
He's an idea man. I don't doubt Gingrich is very, very intelligent. But can anyone honestly see Newt as president?
(BTW, if you think Rudy has family problems... forget the affair with Newt. He left his first wife when she was ill with cancer, in the hospital.)
Posted by emily at 5:05 PM | Comments (0)
March 5, 2007
Go Ahead, CPACers... Nominate Romney
And I will look forward to the historic day when we swear in Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
Posted by emily at 4:35 PM | Comments (0)
March 2, 2007
"Swiss Accidentally Invade Liechtenstein."
As long as an archduke wasn't shot by a weirdo, I think we're good.
So much for pacifist Switzerland.
Posted by emily at 12:01 PM | Comments (0)
February 28, 2007
From "The Plank": Best Blog Post of The Day
ANNALS OF UNDERSTATEMENT:
"He's not a perfect package either but does anyone doubt he's experienced?"--Kathryn Jean Lopez, fantasizing about a Cheney presidential run over at the Corner.
K-Lo's enthusiasm is based primarily--scratch that, exclusively--on the idea that a Cheney candidacy would make liberals deeply unhappy. Speaking for myself, I suspect most of us could take some measure of solace in the resulting 45-state sweep.
--Christopher Orr
Posted by emily at 7:00 PM | Comments (0)
February 27, 2007
Fuck The Dow
Stock markets crash all the time. Helen Thomas lost her front row seat, the one her sassy ass has sat in since the JFK administration.
Yes, Virginia, there is nothing sacred.
Posted by emily at 10:45 PM | Comments (0)
February 20, 2007
England Picks Up It's Tea Cozy and Goes Home
Tony Blair is going to announce British troops are leaving Iraq. Not all of them, but many of them, about 1/5.
It's over, Mr. Bush.
Posted by emily at 8:08 PM | Comments (0)
February 15, 2007
Keith Re-Ups
Four more years of throwing spitballs and Bill "Orally".
Awesome.
Posted by emily at 1:36 PM | Comments (0)
February 14, 2007
So what does this mean for Dana Carvey's run for garbage collector?
Al "Sleeps With Ariana" Franken running for US Senate out of Minnesota. The Wellstone seat, as we call it. (RIP as always, Mr. Wellstone.)
Posted by emily at 3:10 PM | Comments (0)
February 2, 2007
I Don't Have Space
I'm waiting for Fed Admin class to start and I look around to all the laptops. Everyone is on their myspace page. Can I get cool points for NOT being on it? Not that I'm looking to rachet up the cool points. But I did the friendster thing and found it annoying after awhile. And it's just too big, you know? It's lost its cachet.
Posted by emily at 6:23 PM | Comments (0)
January 31, 2007
Rest In Peace, Molly Ivins
The woman who coined "Shrub" for our President died an hour ago at the age of 62.
Posted by emily at 7:11 PM | Comments (0)
December 6, 2006
"Man on Dog" votes "no" on Gates
A bizarre freak until the end...
Posted by emily at 6:32 PM | Comments (0)
November 16, 2006
Obama is NOT a rock star...
A rock star has what's called "songs" he puts on an "album". He releases these "albums" every few years. He goes on "tour" between these "albums". He usually dates a "supermodel" and goes on "MTV."
It is possible that Obama has been on MTV, but other than that, none of these qualifications apply. Thus, he is not a rock star, no matter how much that phrase is repeated on MSM.
He is a very popular and well-liked Senator. They tend not to throw televisions from hotel room windows. Except for Joe Biden, of course.
Posted by emily at 1:32 PM | Comments (0)
November 15, 2006
The Juice Is Back
Wha? How very 90s that people are talking about OJ again. Aren't we done with this already?
Posted by emily at 8:55 PM | Comments (0)
November 8, 2006
The Biggest, Most Important Thing Out of the Donkey Taking the Senate
If anything happens to Ginsberg, Souter, Breyer, Kennedy or Stevens, Leahy's chairman of the Judiciary.
We've just saved the Court.
Posted by emily at 9:10 PM | Comments (0)
October 26, 2006
Celebrating the 25th Birthday of the Wave
I think we must either be starved for good news or we're idiots who will celebrate the anniversary of anything. Like lint. Or polka-dot bikinis.
Just shut up.
Posted by emily at 5:24 PM | Comments (0)
October 2, 2006
Mamas' Don't Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Congressional Pages
I smell blood in the air from DC and naughty, naughty sex IMs. On Friday, tongues were still wagging about Bob Woodward (I still don't think he's redeemed himself.). Now, we've got a Congressman and his boys. Is this changing the channel? I guess it isn't true that only Iraq can hurt the GOP.
Posted by emily at 7:25 PM | Comments (0)
August 29, 2006
Barry Fucking Manilow?!?!
Posted by emily at 4:44 PM | Comments (0)
June 29, 2006
Dog Bites Man: Yahoo Headlines Vol. 1
"'Conflicts' complicate survey of world's wars"
"Awkward moments abound in penis pump trial"
Posted by emily at 3:18 AM | Comments (0)
November 1, 2005
Dems Close The Doors!
(Henry Reid, right now, has forced a closed session of the Senate about intelligence and Iraq. This is a legal parlimentary procedure and it was quickley seconded, so GOP couldn't do shit to stop it.)
Way to develop some balls, boys!
Posted by emily at 4:07 PM | Comments (1)
October 24, 2005
Sitting at the front of the bus on the way to heaven...
Rosa Parks (1913-2005)
Posted by emily at 10:19 PM | Comments (0)
September 22, 2005
Finally... Good News Out Of The Gulf
Strippers have returned to New Orleans.
Posted by emily at 12:07 AM | Comments (0)
September 20, 2005
In Memoriam
Rest In Peace, Simon Wiesenthal.
Posted by emily at 11:53 PM | Comments (0)
September 7, 2005
Da' Law
Just remember kids: chasing a fox with your puppies in tow does NOT mean you own the fox. To own the fox, you have to kill it, capture it or put a little collar on it.
Posted by emily at 5:42 PM | Comments (0)
August 23, 2005
Take Him Out...
"We have the ability to take him" (Pat Robertson) "out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion" media "war to get rid of one, you know..." Christian extremist. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of" character "assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to..." rid the US of Christian evangelicals "...I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it."
Posted by emily at 8:25 PM | Comments (0)
August 21, 2005
No, We Can't Dance Together, No, We Can't Talk At All (But Call Me Deacon Blue)
Blasted "Hey Nineteen" as I drove by MSU's campus today. Yes, the young ones have returned to their college nest. Get your gun.
Posted by emily at 2:27 AM | Comments (0)
July 31, 2005
They Don't Vote For A Reason, Mr. Luce
According to a poll done by Time, 13-year-olds are more conservative. They also only have an 8th grade education.
Posted by emily at 9:40 PM | Comments (0)
July 29, 2005
Global Struggle Against Extremism?
Now you're just fucking with me.
Posted by emily at 10:04 PM | Comments (0)
April 22, 2005
Fat Charlie On Love
Beaucoup d'amoureux que j'ai eus. Je me développe épuisé des jeux. Je sens trop l'adulte pour jouer avec cet enfant. Il me donnera un discours demain, de ceci là n'est aucun doute. Je sourirai et inclinerai la tête. À l'intérieur de, je détesterai seulement sa tonalité condescendante. Le repos, je n'ai aucune utilisation pour. Le moi joue les jeux drôles. Mais qui veut Gabriel-lite ?
Posted by emily at 12:00 AM | Comments (0)
April 1, 2005
Pope In A Coma
Pope In A Coma
(stolen from Morrissey)
Pope in a coma
I know, I know
It's serious
Pope in a coma
I know it's really serious
Most times I thought
He was just a figurehead
But they'll just replace
Him again if he's dead
The same with Queen Elizabeth
Do you really think he'll pull through?
No, I really doubt he'll pull through
Pope in a coma
I know, I know
It's serious
My, my, my, my, my, my Popey, goodbye
His position on contraception
Really blows
But they won't start handing out
condoms if he goes
Waiting for the white smoke to blow
Do you really think he'll pull through?
No, I really doubt he'll pull through
But what if he pulls through?
What does it matter if he pulls through?
Let me burn in Hell for what I write
I know - it’s serious
Posted by emily at 3:32 AM | Comments (0)
March 20, 2005
Getting Me An Edu-ma-cation
I passed bartending college. I only had to read 100 pages of Kant and, no, the Bloody Mary receipe wasn't on the test. I made twelve drinks in seven minutes and got a 96% on my final exam. I'm ready for the world.
I also received a 158 on my LSAT. According to my mother, this is very good, but I'm a bit disappointed. I'm only in the 77th percentile. Maybe its the whole "high school brainwashing", but isn't 77% a C? No, silly, I know it means I did better then 77% of the other test takers. But I should have done better than 100% of them ass-holes. You know what I'm saying? One person, where I was taking it, didn't comprehend the many warnings we were given beforehand and had on him an electronic device that beeped. No beeping during the LSAT!
I've gotten mailings now from Baylor College, Hofstra and Ave Maria in Ann Arbor has offered me a bit of money. But I cannot attend Tom Monahan's school. Is it the Schubert "Ave Maria" or the Holst? Is it mushrooms or extra cheese?
Choices we make in laugh haunt us. I'll have a Dirty White Mother on the rocks. Bucket glass, 1 1/2 oz brandy, 1/2 oz Kahlua, filled with cream.
96% percent baby! Or 77th percentile.
Posted by emily at 4:38 PM | Comments (0)
March 15, 2005
Tom Fenton
Just watched him on the "Daily Show." Fantastic. And it is our fault that the news blows big furry bats right now.
Posted by emily at 11:26 PM | Comments (0)
March 9, 2005
At The Bartending College II
It is entirely possible my teacher had a heart attack in class today. Or Chest and Arm Pains is a new drink, one part rum, one part creme de cocoa.
Posted by emily at 6:27 PM | Comments (1)
March 8, 2005
At The Bartending College
Today was a red-letter day for me. Heard two Hell's Angels exchange meatloaf recipes.
Posted by emily at 9:36 PM | Comments (1)
March 6, 2005
And Again With The End of The World
Fat Charlie would like to direct all you science heads out there to this site (one of my favorites on a Sunday afternoon):
And tell me if some of his science is credible. Especially the hologram one.
Posted by emily at 4:47 PM | Comments (0)
I'm Not A Funny Person, Therefore I Must Out-Source
"I wouldn't give my troubles to a monkey on a rock."
David Letterman
"President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?"
David Letterman
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."
David Letterman
"We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere, at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo!"
David Letterman
"If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice."
Conan O'Brien
"President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. "
Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain."
Jon Stewart
"I feel your scorn and I accept it."
Jon Stewart
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
Woody Allen
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
Woody Allen
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."
Woody Allen
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
Woody Allen
"Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic."
Woody Allen
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
Woody Allen
"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
Woody Allen
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
Woody Allen
"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"
Steven Wright
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
Steven Wright
"Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them."
Steven Wright
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
Steven Wright
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
Steven Wright
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
Steven Wright
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... "
Steven Wright
"I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire."
Steven Wright
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
Steven Wright
"All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable."
Fran Lebowitz
"There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior."
Fran Lebowitz
"As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."
Fran Lebowitz
"Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add."
Fran Lebowitz
Posted by emily at 1:40 AM | Comments (0)
February 25, 2005
Twenty Phrases That Really Should Be Slang, But Aren't.... Yet
1) Ass Made of Smuckers (Either wimp or hot woman)
2) Punk Your Hose (Beat you up or sleep with your man)
3) Eat Rotten Snickers (Eat shit)
4) Hit The Ice-Cream Cone (take a bong hit)
5) Bush Full of Rice (Bad sexual experience or bad Republican administration)
6) Hawkeye'd (good looking man)
7) Piss Party (bitch fest or men's urinals)
8) Texas Hold 'Em (keep me away from idiots or bad Republican adminstrations)
9) Retain Counsel (ability to hold liquer)
10) Not Worth Johnny Cash's Spit (modern country music or modern fundementalist Christians)
11) Hamburger Jack-Off (McDonalds)
12) Human Squid (idiots)
13) Bad Honey Pie (good looking woman, not much there)
14) Your Ass Is In A Thimble (you are in trouble)
15) Beat The Monkey (get out of jail or well, you know)
16) Christopher Walkenesque (incredibly cool, but weird)
17) Fucks His Money (care more about riches then relationships)
18) Worthy of a Baseball Bat (teenagers)
19) Lick Your Own Bowl (yeah, you know)
20) Ass-Marxists (smart people with stupid ideas
Posted by emily at 3:14 AM | Comments (0)
February 24, 2005
My Husband and I
We sit on the porch of our seaside home.
We drink martinis and listen to Fats Waller records, especially "Louisiana Fairy Tale." ("Louisiana Fairy Tale" is also the theme music for This Old House.)
The house has wood floors.
There is plenty of iced-tea in the fridge.
Occasionally, we bring out the guacamole and chips. But only when it rains.
We have a dog named Shrapnel.
We play a little Donkey Kong.
We watch Edward G. Robinson films in bed at night. Sometimes, though, it's a Clark Gable night.
Nobody has our phone number. Except for you, of course.
He paints dead wildflowers and gives money to bums on the street. I elect presidents and write gothic novels where vampires do wicked things to virgins and Morley Safer.
Tom Waits is our little buddy.
The "Cheers" bar is within walking distance.
We own a still.
Our entire home is filled with books.
Noah Kucij makes gumbo in our kitchen when he comes over.
My brother has a house down the street. Next to the "Cheers" bar.
One room of the house is dedicated entirely to moths.
We got rocking chairs up the motherfucking wazoo.
We own it all outright.
Sure he had a little thing with "Hot Lips", but that was in the fifties. Or seventies.
Sometimes he looks like Donald Sutherland.
And this is all true.
Posted by emily at 3:02 AM | Comments (3)
February 23, 2005
Ten Things I've Done That You've Done As Well
1) Showered
2) Ate
3) Watched television
4) Put on pants
5) Used electricity
6) Spoken to others
7) Had hair cut
8) Sat in a moving vehicle
9) Brushed teeth
10) Slept with Salvador Dali
Posted by emily at 3:52 PM | Comments (0)
Fidel Castro
I don't hate him.
Posted by emily at 3:52 AM | Comments (1)
Phil Collins
I do hate him.
Posted by emily at 3:51 AM | Comments (1)