May 17, 2007
The GOP Base Self-Destructs
ABANDON SHIP!
The immigration bill has just blasted out of the water the last of the Bush support. Go the Corner or any other bastion of right-wing thought... these people are mad, baby. Heh. Heh heh.
Posted by emily at 6:02 PM | Comments (0)
March 23, 2007
Suck It Up, Moveon.Org
I agree that the war is immoral. But you have to give Pelosi credit. I forget who, but someone smart (ah, I remember Tom Friedman. Okay, someone somewhat smart...) said that the triangulation of Bush/Gates/Pelosi helps the Iraq war.
The Dems are doing something about Iraq. They are trying. Give them credit, lefties.
By the way, this MSNBC person is moron. But everyone but KO is there.
Posted by emily at 12:44 PM | Comments (0)
March 14, 2007
David Frum Makes A Funny!
Did he actually make the argument that Gonzales should stay so Bush can appoint him to THE BENCH! Man, would that make Harriet Miers pissed!
To be fair, even K-Lo isn't buying that one. But to even hint that the Stevens seat (and I'm sadly assuming it would be Stevens) would got to Gonzales... with what Senate? Please tell me what senate would confirm Alberto for SCOTUS. Try to find one on this planet, if you could.
Posted by emily at 1:12 PM | Comments (0)
March 13, 2007
Alberto On Defense
I do agree with some lib-lefts who are making a salient point: nobody got this pissed about the torture debacle. However, you go to politcal war with the unethical behavior you have.
Not going well for the Bushies, huh? Well, after Travelgate, Foster, Whitewater, the hair cut, etc... I'm going to sleep well at night. Maybe the lesson of the Clinton years is to spread your bruhahas out through-out the years, instead of all in one burst.
Posted by emily at 7:12 PM | Comments (0)
March 8, 2007
Oh. Of Course.
Gingrich had affair during Clinton probe
By BEN EVANS, Associated Press Writer 11 minutes ago
WASHINGTON - Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich acknowledged he was having an extramarital affair even as he led the charge against President Clinton over the Monica Lewinsky affair, he acknowledged in an interview with a conservative Christian group.
Posted by emily at 10:02 PM | Comments (0)
March 7, 2007
Go Tweety!
Chris Matthews is KILLING Kate O'Bierne over this Libby thing. Making the argument about Clinton that was burning my ass yesterday. And Kate O'Bierne has no fucking idea what a pardon is. It is an admission of guilt. It is by the grace of the executive. It's not a nullification, bitch!
Signing off from Bjork's kitchen...
Posted by emily at 5:44 PM | Comments (0)
March 6, 2007
The Fired Lawyers
Another GOP shitstorm brewing. It's not illegal, but it's highly unethical. Moreover, it points to what an asshole Karl Rove is. If we needed anymore proof.
I'm beyond sick of this administration. I was sick of them in February 2000. Now I'm just considering moving in spirit and mind (body doesn't have the cash) to Iceland. They've got Bjork.. plus, with the global warming, it'll be beach property in a few years.
See you in the Reykjavík funny papers.
Posted by emily at 11:18 PM | Comments (0)
Another Brick In The Wall
Scooter convicted on 4 of 5 counts. One thing that's been interesting on this: the DC Beltway establishment and what hypocrites they are. (One big exception: Chris Matthews.) Seems like everyone in the "in" goes on about how there's no real crime, he's a nice guy, Wilson is scum, blah, blah, blah. Look, Wilson is no angel. Neither was Ken Starr or Linda Tripp. Extra-martial blow jobs are not against the law. Bill Clinton, by many accounts... nice guy.
So where were you in '98, guys?
Posted by emily at 1:33 PM | Comments (0)
March 3, 2007
Any Dem Candidate: Feel Free To Use This Quote
What I Would Say:
"I hope someday Ann Coulter insinuates that I'm gay, as she has with Bill and Hillary Clinton, Al Gore and, now, John Edwards. You haven't made it in the Democratic party unless Ann Coulter has called you gay."
Posted by emily at 3:55 PM | Comments (0)
March 2, 2007
Watch Your Toes For Rolling Heads!!
God, Gates is better that Donald "Dickhead" Rumsfeld. He just fired the Secretary of the Army over the Walter Reed scandal.
Rats in the rooms of brain damaged vets from this "pro-military" administration? At least Gates has his blade out.
Posted by emily at 4:18 PM | Comments (0)
February 27, 2007
Funny, I guess..
Have you ever noticed when the right/GOP/conservative peeps on the TeeVee talk about Al Gore/Global Warming/Green/Enviroment, they make jokes? You don't really hear many strong counter-arguments or anything. The talking points boil down to: "Al Gore, hee, hee, he's fat. We can eat the polar bears, hee, hee."
I mean, if you don't believe global warming is real, make an argument. George Will does. But the idea you can mock an issue into irrelvency... doesn't work too well. Remember anti-littering? The right mocked that, too. But people don't litter anymore.
Posted by emily at 4:52 PM | Comments (0)
February 25, 2007
Dreaming of Gore
I'm still waivering in the wind. I know that all the Dem candidates are waiting for me to endorse (I'm sick of your phone calls, Dodd!). I'm 51% behind Obama. 10% for Mo Udall. But I still have a warm spot, a warming spot in the globe of my heart, for Al Gore. Is it because he already won once? That he spent 8 years as veep?
Gore/Kucinich '08, baby!
Posted by emily at 5:18 PM | Comments (0)
February 12, 2007
Wonkin' Walnuts
In my web surfing, which does take up a fair amount of time when I should be studying Civ Pro II, I am always amused with Wonkette. I am less amused by Ana Marie Cox, but she's not there anymore. I don't know why they've taken to calling John McCain John WALNUTS! McCain. But I don't need to know the backstory or the reasoning behind the choice. WALNUTS! McCain is cool on it's own.
And this story:
"Walnuts McCain Worries Iraq War Could Become Unpopular!
No longer even loosely tethered to reality, John WALNUTS! McCain is now making his worst fears public: that something could happen in Iraq that might possibly turn Americans against the war!
“A lot of us are also very concerned about the possibility of a, quote, ‘Tet Offensive.’ You know, some large-scale tact that could then switch American public opinion the way that the Tet Offensive did,” McCain told the Associated Press. And where is American public opinion at the moment?
67% oppose the handling of the war.
Just 32% approve of Bush.
Just 26% approve specifically of Bush’s handling of the war.
62% say the war should’ve never happened.
Is Walnuts hoping for American bloodshed so outrageous and devastating in Iraq that all of us will go crazy, too, and suddenly switch to supporting the awful carnage? We can’t wait to see this psychotic old fool on the primary debate circuit!"
Oh, the great Wonkette. http://www.wonkette.com/
Posted by emily at 9:40 PM | Comments (0)
February 9, 2007
Muppets In Jail!
Six witnesses... a pretty good case for the prosecution. Plus, you have a gimpy talk-show host completely contradicting I. Lewis Scooter Libby's testimony. Looks bad for the former VPCoS.
But the question left unanswered: what grown man goes around with the name "Scooter"?
Posted by emily at 5:14 PM | Comments (0)
J-Pod, Steyn, et al.. V Sullivan
They are sniping at each other something fierce. I'm with Sullivan completely; American officials torturing people isn't a real side-splitter, you know? I mean, the idea that you can find amusment in sadism like that... that doesn't say good things about your sanity or mental state. I think there must be some sort of cognitive split going on here: the Cornerites think torture and see something out of an Acme cartoon. It's not real to them, so it's funny.
Posted by emily at 2:21 PM | Comments (0)
Wiener Savage Might Run For President!
Oh, baby! If Michael Savage runs, '08 would be BEST ELECTION EVAHHH!!
I mean this in an entirely sick and twisted way, mind you.
Posted by emily at 2:13 PM | Comments (0)
February 8, 2007
The Agony of No Political News
Can one of you 24/7 noise machines go back to covering actual news? I'd really rather hear about Tim Russert's tesimony in the Libby trial today. You know, there's a war on and everything and N. Korea's at the bargaining table....
This is worse than that cosmo-nut with the diaper.
Posted by emily at 5:40 PM | Comments (0)
Train Wreck Finally Derails
Why didn't Molly Ivins get this coverage? That's right... there's no nude pictures, drug abuse, old husband, dead son and trashy behavior. Sad what we reward. But she bled and so now she leads. Smart, fiesty, "well-behaved" woman like our Molly don't make 24-hour news coverage.
Posted by emily at 4:53 PM | Comments (0)
February 7, 2007
New E-mail For Fat Charlie
I have a new e-mail, BTW. If you need to know it, just send me a comment.
Posted by emily at 9:11 PM | Comments (0)
Timmy Puts The Kibosh on Scooter... Perjury Sure Is Fun When It's Not About Blow-Jobs!
Posted by emily at 5:44 PM | Comments (0)
February 2, 2007
MSNBC Bitch fights
BTW, Huffpo's got a thing about Tim Russert reportedly hating Chris Matthews. I don't know if I don't care or I don't care. They are both annoying. Russert's annoying in a quiet voice, but they're both suck-ups to power.
P.S. BTW, all woman anchors on cable are annoying. all of them. Christiane Amanpour doesn't count; she's not an anchor. And Allison Stewart is fine. Everyone else is screechy and bubbly at the same time. They wear Mizz America make-up and hair and pretend to have IQs of a wax candle. Where's Linda Ellerbee when you need her?
Posted by emily at 4:59 PM | Comments (0)
A New Look Will Come
ctriv will be bringing you (and I) a new look for this page. I'm excited... I feel that this blog-crash has been an act of creative destruction.
Speaking of blog-crash, didn't I tell you Biden was dead in the water? My Con Law prof says his smile scares children. I don't know if that's true, but Joe opens his mouth and little clean and articulate feet just come flying out.
Posted by emily at 4:56 PM | Comments (0)
January 30, 2007
Joe, Joe... Your Time Has Come and Gone
Joe Biden, whose just now finishing his opening comments on the nomination to the Supreme Court of John Roberts, is going to file papers tomorrow for a Presidential bid. I like Joe Biden. Joe Biden's a smart guy. But President Biden? With Obamamania, the Battleship Clinton and upstart Edwards, there's no breathing room. Only Al Gore could shake up the dice. Not Biden.
Posted by emily at 5:14 PM | Comments (0)
January 23, 2007
Let's Mock Tonight!
Mr. Bushie-Wushie's going to the Hill tonight. 6 years, he's gotten thunderous, ass-kissing applause from GOP suck-ups kow-towing to their Great Leader. Now, he's going into a House filled with animosity. Nancy Pelosi will be sitting behind him!
It will be ugly and mocking. Get the popcorn!!
Posted by emily at 6:16 PM | Comments (0)
January 18, 2007
Checks and Balances Makes A Surprising Return (Eat It, Alberto!)
So now the Bush administration is following FISA? I hope so. I doubt them, though. There's no reason to trust this administration. Why would they cave if they always thought they were right?
Posted by emily at 7:13 PM | Comments (0)
January 17, 2007
D'Crazy
Is it just me or did Colbert seem genuinely angry last night at Dinesh D'souza? Not that I blame him; the book is getting slaughtered in all kinds of reviews and I still don't get D'souza's point. Terrorists don't like our decadant culture, so we should change it? We shouldn't change it, because then the terrorists win?
Posted by emily at 1:59 PM | Comments (0)
January 10, 2007
Howdy Noah
Posted by emily at 8:57 PM | Comments (0)
January 3, 2007
George Bush Discovers The Pen
Sooo... this president has time to write WSJ editorials? Doesn't he have better things to be doing, like finding a mission for his "surge"?
Posted by emily at 8:37 PM | Comments (0)
January 2, 2007
Chevy Chase Kept Us Together
Good grief. Hopefully, this will be the last of Kissinger. What other funerals would he have to speak at? And Brokaw? My least favorite out of the old Big Three?
I have virtually no opinion on Jerry Ford. I don't despise him, I don't love him. He's the Wonder Bread president.
Posted by emily at 9:18 PM | Comments (0)
December 14, 2006
Democrats Suddenly Praying All Over the Land
I had no idea who Tim Johnson was before yesterday... but I'm praying for the recovery of his brain. Please, Tim Johnson's brain... heal. Please...
Posted by emily at 9:53 PM | Comments (0)
December 12, 2006
Pinochet
The right ass-wipes are all Pinochet-apologetic. So it doesn't matter if he's a torturer and a murderer, he was a Free market capitalist. So if Saddamn had opened his markets, we wouldn't care? (Not like we cared at the time, anyway. With EITHER man. We HELPED both of them.)
Some things are more important than money and markets.
Posted by emily at 6:59 PM | Comments (0)
November 30, 2006
Probably Turn Out To Be The Butler...
... but these poisoned Russians, both critics of the Putin administration... this is wild. But it's conflicting on whether Polonium (I'm not spelling it right) is widely available or not. I've heard some news outlets say it's easy to get, others say it's hard to get.
I'm with Colbert. Putin in '08. This is one bad-ass motherfucker. If he asks for the US government, I think we should give it to him.
Posted by emily at 7:19 PM | Comments (0)
November 28, 2006
Mr. Putin in the Sushi Place with the Radioactive Materials
Did I win?
Posted by emily at 9:47 PM | Comments (0)
November 20, 2006
Counter Help
As of today, it is 792 days until Bush leaves office. I'd like this site to have a counter so I would be able to look at it everyday and have a certain peace of mind.
Is there a way to do this?
Posted by emily at 7:03 PM | Comments (0)
November 17, 2006
Let Me Get This Straight...
New undersecretary at HHS dealing with family planning worked for a group in Mass. who preached (and yes, the word is PREACHED) that birth control "demeans" women? Bush continues his fantastic record of appointing people to positions advocating/regulating/representing what they oppose. (That was a mouthful. Just think of John Bolton and you'll know what I mean.)
Posted by emily at 1:15 PM | Comments (0)
November 15, 2006
Trent Lott is Back, Bitches!
I don't really know how to feel about this... I suppose this means George Allen will be forgiven in four years.
Posted by emily at 11:09 AM | Comments (0)
Fat Talk Not Phat
Pet Peeve #554: Maybe I'm not so sympathetic to the female of the species on this. I know there's pressure, I know I've never had to worry about my weight... but I cannot stand it when women with 13-year-old voices whine about the size of their asses right next to me in Civ. Pro. Ugh. It's not what I want to think about. It's unseemly. It sounds vain and shallow. And we're all over 22... use your grown-up voice.
There. I'm done.
Posted by emily at 12:54 AM | Comments (0)
November 9, 2006
Things You Just Don't Expect To See
Mike Wallace crying on Larry King, re: the death of Ed Bradley.
His death makes me very sad, much like I felt about Peter Jennings. The old school journalists are leaving us. The new school is flashy, smart and lacking something. Authority, command, understanding, depth, gravitas... I don't know. But they don't make journalists like they used to. And Ed Bradley was certainly unique and excellent and just seeing Anderson Cooper give praise makes you feel like you've lost something even more.
Posted by emily at 9:52 PM | Comments (0)
November 8, 2006
8:30 PM
AP just called Virginia for Webb.
We won both houses. And you were doubting it!
(My pysche-myself-out-on-my-blog-not-allowing-for-any-hope-there's-been-no-hope-since-'96 strategy worked!)
Posted by emily at 8:34 PM | Comments (0)
And then there was one...
AP just called Montana for John Tester (the buzz cut). Now the nation's lonely eyes turn to Virginia, which is for lovers (although not after the marriage ban they passed.) There's surely to be a re-count, with the entire Senate in the balance now. But those who are ahead in the first count RARELY (I don't know if they've ever, in fact) lose in the second count. 537 votes in Florida, remember? This is a bigger margin than that.
Posted by emily at 12:41 PM | Comments (0)
Oh My Fucking God
Talent just conceded in Missouri. We could fucking win the Senate. I repeat, we could fucking win the Senate.
Posted by emily at 2:11 AM | Comments (0)
November 7, 2006
10:56 PM
NBC called the House for the Dems.
Posted by emily at 10:57 PM | Comments (1)
"The Strangler" loses in Pennsylvania
Hilary wins in a landslide.
Posted by emily at 10:55 PM | Comments (0)
The "Hot" Canadian pulls it out...
...and Stabenow blew out the GOP what-his-name.
Posted by emily at 10:09 PM | Comments (0)
October 30, 2006
Maybe It Was The Acid
If some kid takes ten hits of acid, then kills his girlfriend's parents, I don't believe it's because he has deluded himself into thinking he's a vampire. I believe it is the ten hits of acid.
There are some groups of people, with certain fetishes, that should't drop acid. Because when reality gets blurry, they'll believe they are vampires.
Is that random enough for you?
Posted by emily at 4:40 PM | Comments (0)
October 25, 2006
Attention GOP Fuckheads
When you go on PBS, my favorite network of the dulcet tones, say the same shit you say at the NRO Corner. Same snide tone. Same ugly opinions. Don't try and sing to us Libs. We know you already. (This is not directed at Brooks. This is directed at Lowry. Right at Lowry. Don't talk about negative ads in such apologetic, philsophical tones when you had an orgasm at NRO over the Harold Ford ad.)
Posted by emily at 7:37 PM | Comments (0)
October 23, 2006
Fat Charlie Endorsements
Obama in '08
Clinton in '08
Obama/Clinton in '08
Clinton/Obama in '08
Gore/Clinton in '08
Gore in '08
Stewart/Colbert in '08
Clinton/Gore/Obama/Colbert in '08
William Howard Taft in '08
Oprah in '08
Clinton/Gore in '08
Edwards in '08
Obama/Edwards in '08
The Canadians in '08
Posted by emily at 10:20 PM | Comments (0)
October 22, 2006
Kyle and Erin's Wedding
drunk
in a hotel room
full of men in tuxes
with nerf basketball
smell of mushrooms
but not the fun kind
country music
taste of rum
Posted by emily at 12:22 AM | Comments (0)
October 19, 2006
Pentagon Did Nothing Wrong In Planting Positive News In Iraq
So says the Inspector general of the DEFENSE DEPARTMENT... it just gets weirder and weirder on this side of the looking glass.
Posted by emily at 7:10 PM | Comments (0)
October 18, 2006
Watching Olbermann...
It may indeed be the worst thing yet of this Administration: the loss of Hab. Corp. is almost too depressing to even think about. Yet we all warbled (including me) about Mark Foley. Nobody should sit there and think this isn't a big deal.
It is too sad to think about. France, anyone? England? Canada? Japan? Anywhere?
Posted by emily at 8:55 PM | Comments (0)
October 16, 2006
Henry Kissinger's "What The Fuck?" Moment
In the NY Times, Kissinger writes a review of Robert L. Beisner's "Dean Acheson: A Life in The Cold War"
The first sentence...
"Dean Acheson was perhaps the most vilified secretary of state in modern American history."
Kissinger's false modesty knows no ends, apparently.
Posted by emily at 8:42 PM | Comments (0)
October 12, 2006
My Favorite Conservatives and/or GOP
Ranked in Order
Politicians
1) Ted "Series of Tubes" Stevens
2) Don "I didn't beat my mistress" Sherwood
3) Katherine "Bat Shit Insane" Harris
4) James "Global Warming is a hoax" Inhofe
5) George "YouTube Star" Allen
Thinkers, Phrase Used Losely
1) Dinesh D'Souza: New book blames 9/11 on the Left. Says if we stopped gays and women from gettin' all equal rights-y on the USA's ass, the Muslims would stop hating us. So, I guess, his solution to "hate us for our freedom" is to take freedom away. Well, that's one point of view. An ugly one.
2) The gang at NRO's The Corner: I'm sure invidividually they are all lovely people (well, I'm not sure about Jonah Goldberg.) But you get the NR crowd a blog... and they talk about sci-fi shows? Wow, conservative thought is in deeper shit than we thought!
3) James Dobson: got nothing new on him. Just the usual.
4) Matt Drudge: blame the pages!
5) Rush Limbaugh
Posted by emily at 1:01 PM | Comments (0)
October 10, 2006
Kos Agrees With Me (Or I Agree With Kos)
Don't get cocky, Dems. (Bad choice of words.) Let's not drool over the Senate... let's just hope that the redistricting doesn't work that well. Hope our people come out and the GOP stays home. Hope that Karl Rove's "October Surprise" has been derailed.
Eggs have not hatched. Fat ladies are not singing. The cart shall not come before the horse. And there are weeks to go.
And, in my heart of hearts, I still believe we are going to lose.
Posted by emily at 3:52 PM | Comments (0)
October 4, 2006
While We Were Distracted...
There's been plenty of other news. And I'm beginning to think this Foleygate wasn't instigated by the Dems, but by the GOP. Think about it. Hab. Corp. gets rolled back (good-bye Magna Carta), torture is legal, American casualties in Iraq have gone up, Woodward has a new book out, claim in said book about a meeting with Rice and Tenant about terrorism prior to 9/11 confirmed by logs... and what's the talk of the Beltway? One bad dude.
Now, why they would decide this is better for them... I don't know. But it does take everyone's eyes of the major ball.
BTW: conservative on NPR just gay-bashed. Lots of rightie-rightie's doin' that gig right now. why not? they have a lot of practice at it.
Posted by emily at 4:09 PM | Comments (0)
September 27, 2006
Blame Bill Clinton Like It's 1999....
Could Bill Clinton have done more to destroy terrorism? Sure.
Were there mistakes made? Probably.
What did the GOP say when Clinton launched "Operation Infinite Reach" in August 1998, missing Osama by a couple hours? "Wag The Dog" (He had testified in the Paula Jones V. William Jefferson Clinton a few days before.)
What did Clinton do when he received word that Osama wanted to hit with planes in December of 1999? Put the FBI on alert, put the Eastern seaboard airports on watch
Did Bill Clinton do everything he could to get Bin Laden? Probably not.
Did he do something? Yes.
What was George Bush's response to the 8/6/01 memo "Bin Laden determined to attack inside the United States"? "You've covered your ass now."
Who was President on 8/6/01? George W. Bush
Who was President on 9/10/01? George W. Bush
Who was President on 9/11/01? George W. Bush
9/11 happened on whose watch? George W. Bush
Posted by emily at 12:22 AM | Comments (0)
September 18, 2006
Rahm Emanuel Went to Sarah Lawrence
I had no idea. I'm even more proud of my school now.
Posted by emily at 2:39 AM | Comments (0)
September 9, 2006
One-Liner I Just Thought Of... Part 34
"Who cares that Bill Clinton didn't pull the trigger on Bin Laden... at least HE knew where the FUCK Bin Laden was!!!"
Use that against your GOP friends. Also, point out that they cried like little baby girls over that Reagan movie a couple years ago and got it moved to Showtime.
Posted by emily at 7:27 PM | Comments (0)
July 1, 2006
Quandary #553
Thought: I want to see the Al Gore flick. The closest place it's showing: Brighton. So I could drive there and see it but then I have to get in my car and drive home AFTER SEEING A FILM ABOUT THE DANGERS OF BURNING FOSSIL FUELS!
Should I just go see it and feel guilt later? Or should I wait and not be a hypocrite?
Posted by emily at 1:49 AM | Comments (1)
February 16, 2006
Goodnight, Sweet Prince
The Darko Gets Traded Drinking Song
Larry and you
Didn't get on so well
And Flip didn't play you
So they made a sell
CHORUS
Goodnight, Darko
So long,
Farewell
And Amen
We traded your ass.
So we could keep Big Ben
You seemed so angry
You seemed so sad
And your hustle
Was just plain bad
CHORUS
Sill, I will miss the chants
Of your name in the fourth
When Sir Wallace was tired
And we were winning by
a hundred and four
CHORUS
Posted by emily at 12:41 AM | Comments (0)
February 14, 2006
Lock and Load
Honestly, wasn't it only a matter of time until Dick Cheney shot someone?
Posted by emily at 7:53 AM | Comments (0)
January 17, 2006
Dee-Troit! Basket-ball!
I know most of the peeps out there are hockey fans. I respect that, although everyone in your organization sounds Canadian. No, really, I've heard the post game wrap-ups; I imagine them to be feasting on a dead Moose and drinking lager out of big gold goblets or something. Maybe that's just the Middle Ages. But hey, I like any sport that steals from Shakespeare ("Puck" aka "if we fairies have offended, think of this and all is mended.)
But you have to be pumped, monumentaily pumped, for the Dee-Troit Basket-ball!!! going on recently. 70 games is a red herring. What we need, ladies, is a ring. Just like that pretty one we got back in '04. So if you don't know, don't care or are busy with your moose meat, here's a handy list of what to love about the boys in blue (or red or white, depending.)
1) The Fro. Obvious choice
2) The way the Palace crowd moans "Sheed!" as he tees up.
3) On some Piston's fans blog, they are selling "Free Darko" shirts.
4) Beating the Spurs by fifteen TWICE.
5) The way Flip Saunders doesn't control his point guard from the side, unlike someone else I know, first name starts with L, last name a color.
6) Mr. Big Shot From Downtown!
7) Rip's faceguard. Yes Sir!
8) The graceful lankiness of the Palace Prince
9) Sheed's 535,646 technicals
10) Uh, the 30 wins and 5 losses. Best record in the NBA.
11) Carlos Delfino. Today. Three three-points! He was like a little Mr. Big Shot
12) Chauncey free throws: always predicatable.
13) Ben's free throws: always predicatable.
14) The Christian Right taking on Automotion.
15) McDyess. Just The Dice, man.
Posted by emily at 1:32 AM | Comments (0)
November 29, 2005
Send Your Dreidels!
Let me just say this...
Holidays have been getting less and less exciting over the years. Take last Christmas... Christmas Eve I was working at Godiva in Somerset, dipping strawberries into chocolate and listening to the same techno Bing Crosby-Winter Wonderland mix over and over again. And what sounded like Juilio Iglasis singing "Ave Maria." Ho Hum.
We went to a nice seafood joint and it was all fine and good, but really? I'm starting to feel less inclined towards a holiday spirit. This year, I'm seriously considering switching to Chanukah. (12/26-1/2 this year, kids, which means I have time to buy the Menorah.) Since my immediate family is not Christian, aren't I free to go wherever I like with this holiday bullarkey? And celebrating the preservation of oil seems a lot more pertient to these times then some long-dead Armenian who was actually born in the Spring...
I think I also miss NY on this one, because Christmas in NY was special. That first snow, coming down between the buildings, not sticking to anything... the outside shopping bonanza in Union Square... big tree in Rockefeller... now that's how you do fucking Christmas/Chanukah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan.
Posted by emily at 2:10 PM | Comments (0)
November 18, 2005
Further Utterances From The Sacred Cow
Thought: The Bush administration is excellent at multi-tasking. They've managed to have Vietnam and Watergate at the same time.
Posted by emily at 7:25 PM | Comments (0)
August 10, 2005
Calculus Equation #993
For this problem, you will need a calculator, possibly a protractor. Please see page 223 of the course syllabus.
We have four stated modes of existence, each with their own submodes. These are Republican (referred to for the rest of the problem R), Democrat (D), Conservative (C) and Liberal (L). These four modes can be paired off into twos, given the following conditions:
R can equal C, but never D
D can equal L, but never R
R sometimes equals L
D sometimes equals C
C and L can never equal each other
Give that in this paticular problem, R=C and D=L. (Henceforth will be referred to as RC and DL.) The combination of R and C can equal several possible outcomes: the Ten Commandments in your classroom, for example. In this paticular equation RC's outcome is a bleeting nasal sound and a book celebrating the life of JoeMcCarthy, (JoeMcCarthy=RC squared/paranoia + pumpkins.)
The combination of DL can equal several possible outcomes: a seemingly unstoppable streak of losing, for example. In this paticular equation DL's outcome is a wild hairdo and ability to march in a three-piece suit.
Your question is, which mode of existence, in this one equation, overpowers the other? You have ten minutes. You may use scratch paper if you need.
Posted by emily at 6:04 PM | Comments (2)
July 29, 2005
Goodbye, Larry, Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow
How I will miss the post game press conferences, your Brooklyn accent making my yearnings for home all too bittersweet. How I will miss your "thinker" stance as you watched Chauncey and our men. We were two New Yorkers in a Michigan world and some, like Bill Davidson, did not understand your Hamlet-like ponderings. Go home. Go to the Knicks. Ride the "6" train (well, I'm sure you won't be doing that). Eat at Gray's Papaya and think of me. The Staten Island Ferry blows its weary foghorn for the both of us. You will be able to see our beautiful promised land once more.
Posted by emily at 9:57 PM | Comments (0)
July 20, 2005
Roe V Wade
If you want to read the the opinion, here's the link:
http://straylight.law.cornell.edu/supct/html/historics/USSC_CR_0410_0113_ZS.html
Sorry. I am lame and can not hyperlink shit.
Posted by emily at 3:08 PM | Comments (0)
April 21, 2005
Fat Charlie Updates You, Whether You Want It Or Not
1) I have been accepted to Cooley Law School and will be matriculated this fall. I will be moving to Lansing. Please send cheese.
2) For some reason, everyone at My Place of Employment seems to think I'm sweet, innocent, naive and young. Am I wearing the wrong perfume? Did they not get the memo on my previous life? Noah, Nicole... talk to these people. They are misinformed and therefore treat me like I'm nineteen and a prom queen. I want to vomit.
3) My Place of Employment is quite silly. First, the name is shared by one of my former Strand bosses, so that tells you something right there. Everyone is very enthused. Everyone wants to keep their job. We have pepper mills holstered to our aprons. I will write more on these startling developments later.
Posted by emily at 12:08 AM | Comments (0)
March 28, 2005
My Brother Is On Fire
I was awoken this morning by my mother telling me about triv's fabulous exploding laptop. She did not use those extact words. I believe I went back to sleep and dreamt of jelly beans and bathroom fixtures.
My senior year of college, I lived in a very old dorm. We had fire alarms constantly, usually at three in the morning. Now, they had banned candles, christmas lights and coffee makers, but they didn't ban smoking in this old dorm.
One morning near Christmas, the girl kitty-corner from me, Erin Hoover, was smoking in her room and had to leave to go to class. The wind came from her window and blew the embers of her cigarette onto the bed. It quickly spread.
Now, I was in the room kitty-corner, making coffee in my illegal coffee maker and trying to print out my conference paper about globalization and the media. I smelled burnt toast. The fire alarm went off and because we had had so many drills, I took my time. Carefully put on my shoes, my coat... until I opened the hall door and saw smoke everywhere. Then I yelled for my suitemate, who, like me, had assumed it was nothing.
Suitmate, Leila, her guest who had been in the shower, me and a bunch of other Dudley Lawrence denzians watched as smoke started to slowly pour from our opened windows. I wondered if I remembered to turn the coffee maker off. I was late for my final exam in poli sci but (and this is one of the beauties of attending a small college) Ray, my prof, walked by right as smoke started to really come out the windows.
"I won't be on time for the final, Ray." I said.
He agreed.
None of my stuff was actually on fire. Just smoke damage that I never got out of that iMac or television set. And you couldn't drink the coffee.
Mac products aflambe, anyone?
Posted by emily at 2:20 PM | Comments (0)
March 14, 2005
Going Down The Road Feeling Bad With Jesus and Moses and George W. Bush
Some elements of free speech are neither free nor speech. Sometimes you have to pay $2.99 at your local convenience store to plaster a pithy slogan on the back of your truck. You may think it makes a statement. You are incorrect. Nothing can be sufficiently profound and read while passing at 80 mph on the right. I have no time to gestate on these things.
Take Ricky Ricardo in the white suburban whose bumper was adorned with a familiar Biblical vision. Two stone plaques with ten Roman numerals (incorrect, there were no Romans in Moses’ time.) I take it on Ricky’s good faith that the Commandments are actually listed there. I would have caused a ten-car pile up attempting to read them. So basically, it’s two plaques with Roman numerals that could say anything. God Bless America. Feed the Pigeon. No More Garlic Mashed Potatoes.
I don’t need to be reminded not to kill people on the freeway. I believe it is the general idea. I can’t covet my neighbors wife if I’m not at home.
James Mitchner in the pickup had one of my all-time favorites. WWJD. It looked much like a W’4 sticker and you know these are the same armchair cowfuckers. Take away the sophomoric slam of the drunk frat boy “What Would Jack Daniel's do?” That’s not funny anymore.
If Jesus came back and was on the freeway, I believe he would have a heart attack. Because 80 mph is very scary to your long-dead Armenian. Never mind the radio, air-conditioning, heating, bucket seats, smooth jazz, cup-holders and windshield wipers. And then you’d bring him home and he’d stroke out, baby. Can you imagine what Jesus would think of the microwave? Fuck healing the lepers; he’d spend ten years in Circuit City trying to play catch-up.
Speaking of W’4 people, is it wrong for me to deliberately piss them off on the road? They advertised their affiliation. I’m not wrong in my response to tailgate and trap them behind a semi. They asked for fumes and rocks in their windshield; this is what a vote for Bush does.
We are a divided country. Just ask Pearl Bailey in her Malibu.
Posted by emily at 3:05 PM | Comments (0)
March 3, 2005
Deborah Harry Speaks Of The Apocalypse
Some ponder the works of Bob Dylan. "We always feel the same we just sell it from a different point of view." Heads like myself dig on the Robert Hunter wordplay. "One man gathers what another man spills." David Byrne spouts of a few good lines. "We are vain and we are blind." Tom Waits is a man all to himself. "And you can't find your waitress with a Geiger counter."
It may be the moldy grapes, but note how Blondie song titles all spell a certain doom. "Atomic" may be a reference an explosive lover. She may have been thinking of that hot Latino in the leather jacket across the dance floor. But a deeper reading suggests that she was thinking nukes. Note: "You're hair is beautiful." A simple line. Maybe she's being seductive. But maybe she's saying that you have beautiful hair and it's all going to fucking fall out when Russia pops the big one in our laps. It was the seventies, people were concerned about these things.
"The Tide Is High." Yeah, we've seen that on the news the past few months. Debbie, you couldn't have left the discotheque and told all those poor people in Thailand before this happened? Apparently, you are the kind of girl who gives up just like that. "I'm going to be your number one." Before last December, Average Joe thought Tsunami was the green stuff that goes with Sushi. Now he's moving to Kansas 'cause you never know with this feisty planet earth business. So, Tide Is High, I guess you are our number one now. Congrats and try not to do that again, or at least do it to countries that annoy me. Like Orange County, CA.
The mother of all of this...this... complete crap is "Rapture." Fat Charlie knows you watch "The Daily Show" and knows you saw that piece on rapture e-mails. The Rapture literally makes "meek shall inherit the earth" Christians millions. Web sites, books, napkin holders and Happy Meal toys. But when the Rapture comes, they won't be able to enjoy that fucking money, will they? It's all-right, though. Us fine sinners will still be on earth listening to "Fat fine Freddy told me everybody's high." High in heaven, that is. Debbie tells us that there is "Twenty-four hour shopping In Rapture." Especially in Christian bookstores, since the owners will be chowing with Pope Urban up in Neverland. Is shopping your concern during the apocalypse? If your answer is yes, you are not only a Christian but you are a Christian capitalist and you should just go home.
Please, Debbie, write a song called "Oil Crisis" and I'll be praising your manna in Shangri-La.
Posted by emily at 12:59 AM | Comments (0)
February 27, 2005
Yes, Virginia, They Are Canceling "Hee-Haw"
Out to dinner with relatives.
There is something strange about my uncle. Everywhere we go for dinner, he knows someone. It's always a male with a Michigan sweatshirt on. They clasp hands. They talk in a certain tone. They use language that I do not understand. I think sometimes that this is a "Y" chromosome bull-shit language in which the fluttering of various peacock feathers happens with every nuance. Yet I know many, many males that do not behave like they have something to prove when running into an acquaintance with hot sauce on their shirt.
Or perhaps he was just being social. This, I know nothing of.
A 7-year-old is not a pleasant dining companion. Neither is a sixteen-year-old. The only pleasant dining companions are over age twenty-one. They can imbibe; they don't ask in high-pitch voices when we are going to leave. We are not going to leave while people are still enjoyably sipping coffee. We are not going to leave because you are bored. Maybe if you had more witty repartee, we would respond to your conversations more often.
My cousin's surgery (scintillating to all the kids in China) will take five hours. They aren't going to cut. Then how the hell is it surgery? Am I so behind the times? I was having visions of saws and Frankenstein stitches. He also will have to sleep in an E-Z boy for five months. To sleep in an E-Z boy for five months is the sport's fan's bar mitzvah. He will become a man. I find all this very exciting and wonder if a briefcase full of fake Rolexes would be an appropriate present for him.
Missing New York Item #5435- All of this "Hockeytown" hooey. Exciting game, yes. Appreciate the violence, yes. Canceling the hockey season, however, is not like canceling "Hee-Haw." Check that, it is exactly like canceling "Hee-Haw." Note that there are two people of color at any one of those games. This is why it has not caught on in New York, unlike baseball, basketball or group urination.
So boy/man cousin with the busted shoulder will be missing out on his Hee-Haw lovin' this year. Both on the ice and off. I am not at all sorry for him. He is fourteen and can bounce back easily. Develop other interests. Read a book. Perhaps by the time his shoulder heals, he won't be interested in hockey at all, but will have dyed his hair black, donned a striped shirt and discussed modes of alienation with his new friends at the coffee shop.
My hopes for today's youth.
1) They will learn the value of the comma, the semicolon and Burt Bacharach.
2) They will learn that the true road to happiness is not money, fame or wealth, but drugs, Proust and space heaters.
3) They will toss off the shackles of our insipid commercialism and replace their want of the latest jeans or crap music CD with a want for a hooker.
I am not too optimistic.
Posted by emily at 12:59 AM | Comments (0)
February 24, 2005
Wayne State University: You Can Contact Us
The dean at Wayne State is Captain Sulu from Star Trek. He flies the academic spaceship where no provost has been before.
The resemblence to George Takai was uncanny. He also sounded like him. A whole half-hour of Sulu drawl goodness. I wanted to burn my ears off with a flame-thrower. Does that make me a drastic person?
I came to two conclusions by the end of the "Come To Our Law School" event tonight. One, only 220 students are admitted. They repeated this to us several times. Two, literally any time of the day or night, every day any day... these people are available to talk to. We can ask them any question. We can call, e-mail, write, tattoo our questions on their arms.
Aren't these two conclusions contradictory? I guess if you only have 220 students, you have a lot of time to talk to the poor losers you're rejecting. Which will probably be me.
And I didn't even try the free food and coffee. I am losing my soul.
Posted by emily at 10:59 PM | Comments (0)
February 23, 2005
Existentialist Question #42
I know some of you out in Peoria are thinking that the existentialist question involved in Exhibit #89FatYellowBear012 is one involving the comedian's lonely soul and the choice said comedian made to devote one's entire life to another human's involuntary reaction. But then, you've only had three years at a community college. You took a class called Betty Friedan and Vagina Art. We'll forgive you in a couple years.
Fozzie, Exhibit #89FatYellowBear012, is a puppet. Subcategory: Muppet. He does not have independent cognitive functions. He does not have a digestive track. He may be able to clean up at the Blackjack table at the Sands, but only because a man's hand is up his who-ha. And he does not have a who-ha. See above lack of stomach, intestines and colon.
Your Vagina art will not help you here.
Clear your minds. Focus your manna. Drink a cup of herbal tea and sit the fuck down. The Puppet (Muppet) is holding another puppet in Exhibit #89FatYellowBear012. We are two steps removed from reality.
The "Fozzie" clearly can not be controlling "Hommage à Charlie McCarthy." To function at all besides as an ornate dust collector, "Fozzie" must have a human master. So must "Hommage à Charlie McCarthy". One master, two puppets. How did Sarte miss this?
Karl Marx did not. And neither did Harpo. Side note: "Fozzie" is clearly an hommage or fromage to many Marx Brothers. He has Chico's hat. Harpo's horn. Mostly he is Gummo, although I cannot embellish on the similarities without retaining legal counsel.
We are led to believe that "Fozzie" is controlling "Hommage à Charlie McCarthy." And yet we know that this is not really the case. Look at the construction of "Hommage à Charlie McCarthy." Crooked ears, papier-mâché head, no lips or mouth to speak of or with. The shoddy workmanship trips us into believing that a puppet (Muppet) made the puppet. A puppet cannot make a puppet. "Fozzie" does not have enough dexterity in his fingers. He actually doesn't have real fingers. He cannot plug in a hot glue gun. He cannot pay an electricity bill.
"Kermit" maybe, but "Fozzie"! Are we fools!?! Yes, because you took three years of community college and never once had sex in the library. But we don't need to go into your anatomical follies now, do we?
Suppose it is as we are lead to believe and the puppet controls the puppet. Is puppet #2 ("Hommage à Charlie McCarthy") controlled at all by a human? Is it more or less dependent on the puppeteer then "Fozzie"? Can any puppet determine it's own existence?
Open the car door, we're going on a ride.
Exhibit #89FatYellowBear012 can not answer Existentialist Question #42. It can only create more confusion. But think back to that one philosophy course you took. Tell me this isn't one for the Greeks. Tell me that Karl Marx and Jean-Paul Sarte don't have a few notes on the subject, never mind that cokehead Sigmund. It's all in the metaphor.
Homer says it best.
Lisa: "Dad, what's a muppet?"
Homer: "Well, it's not quite a mop and it's not quite a puppet, but maaannn! So to answer your question, I don't know."
And note that I refrained from making any reference at all to the current "maison blanc" residents. That's because I do not devote my entire life to another human's involuntary reaction. Go back to your flower poetry.
Posted by emily at 2:55 PM | Comments (0)