« July 2005 | Main | September 2005 »
August 23, 2005
Take Him Out...
"We have the ability to take him" (Pat Robertson) "out, and I think the time has come that we exercise that ability. We don't need another $200 billion" media "war to get rid of one, you know..." Christian extremist. "You know, I don't know about this doctrine of" character "assassination, but if he thinks we're trying to..." rid the US of Christian evangelicals "...I think that we really ought to go ahead and do it."
Posted by emily at 8:25 PM | Comments (0)
August 21, 2005
No, We Can't Dance Together, No, We Can't Talk At All (But Call Me Deacon Blue)
Blasted "Hey Nineteen" as I drove by MSU's campus today. Yes, the young ones have returned to their college nest. Get your gun.
Posted by emily at 2:27 AM | Comments (0)
August 17, 2005
Dr. Eyelove Or How I Learned To Blink Rapidly and Have Acid Flashbacks
Why does the eye doctor make me hostile?
Every time I go, I find that the field of opthalmology has made rabid technological advances totally unnecessary. The eye doctor in Fenton now has a electronic circular table which rotates so that the eye nurse can use different machines. Actually making me stand and move to the different machines would be too much to ask, apparently. Don't they know there's an energy shorage?
Instead of focusing on dot that moves from blury to clear, they now have a computer generated little house in a field. Now the letter charts are on a computer screen... does this improve my vision in any way, shape or form? No, it is the abuse of technological advances so that some dumb-ass patient can feel amused for a moment. Alice, the eye doctor done lept into the nineties! Sure, they ain't cured glacoma, but now there's a goddamn house in the field! Ya think there are little eye doctor people living in the house, plotting to liberate the contact solution in their war against the eyeglass cases?
The eye doctor is painless. Why aren't these advances being used in the field of, I don't know, dentistry? Yes, that unholy of all doctor visits. The pain, the blood, the inability to feel your tongue for the next ten days... and the eye people have a computer generated house and a computerized spin table? Meanwhile, the dentist's still using instruments from the Inquisition. Share with the others, eye doctor bastards!
I P N R Z. T L Q F O. This is not a challenge. There are only twenty six letters and while many look similiar, you can always make an educated guess. If you really wanted to test my vision, you'd put a picture of George W. Bush in front of me and arm me with a shotgun. That's useful. This is letter abuse at it's most vulgar. Besides the writings of Cal Thomas, natch.
I figured the visit was finished after money was exchanged. Not so. I go back so they can "measure my eyes for contacts." I have worn contacts for thirteen years. I have not grown at all in thirteen years. Not even my feet have changed size. But my eyes are growing? Will I soon look like a Martian? Is this something your radical, insipid technological advances can stop? Shouldn't you have told me about this earlier, before I paid?
My eyes are a size five and a half, six for high heels.
The machine they "measured" my eyes with looks like a gigantic lollypop plastered on to a cone shape, with that "1984" torture equipment face guard. At first, I felt like Dr. Suess, red and white swirls everywhere I could see. Then I realized why they asked, twice, whether the patient used illegal drugs. Let's just say that the flashbacks became somewhat panicky, as I saw myself as a speck walking first on the white swirl, then on the red and then being confronted by a gigantic opthalmologist holding a computer generated bottle of contact solution. The Cat in The Hat was lecturing me about dental care.
All I wanted was some more boxes of contacts.
Posted by emily at 2:53 AM | Comments (1)
August 11, 2005
FREAK SNOWSTORM IN HELL: Fat Charlie finds herself agreeing with George Will
I thought this curious blather about intelligent design (as if anyone who designed the warthog could be thought of as intelligent) would die out when it became apparent there were so many blond girls missing from Aruba. Apparently, even Peter Jennings couldn't stop this mayhem. Peter, a nation turns its lonely eyes to you, seeing as ABC shows your face every ten seconds.
But in between shots of the empty anchor chair, ABC did something amazing tonight. Something astounding, something incredible... they actually had me agreeing with Mr. Bow-Tie, Baseball, Leaking Carter documents to Reagan Man himself, George Will. Correction, he appears to have given up the bow-tie. All the symbols of my childhood fade away.
Now, a catch: if you were debating Cal Thomas, wouldn't you come out towards the left, Mr. Hitler? George Will looked like Abbie Hoffman up there. He was practically goateed, reading the Dada manifesto and drinking shots of Wild Turkey. And it made me want to hug the little bow-tie man who leaked the documents that allowed Reagan to win. How can there be a God (the artist now known as intelligent creator) if I am feeling these feelings about George Fucking Will?
There he was, all minty-fresh conservative, telling Ted Koppel that science was about proving or disproving and the ability to prove or disprove and intelligent design could not fit into such catagories. He was eloquent and articulate. While Cal foamed at the mouth about those oh-so-disenfranchised-American-Christians. George patiently pointed out what was science and what was not. Even the question of why Bush would support Intelligent Design, while his own science advisor disputed, came with an honest answer from George. The President, I paraphrase George, truly believes in it. Of that, I have no doubt.
A word to Cal: when your party controls the Congress, the White House and the Supreme Court, when your religion is the majority religion, when you have somehow created a false scientific debate, then you are not disenfranched. You are in power. Trust me, I know how different this county would be if we were the ones in power. You are in the driver's seat. Darwin, have mercy on your soul.
Posted by emily at 12:03 AM | Comments (0)
August 10, 2005
Calculus Equation #993
For this problem, you will need a calculator, possibly a protractor. Please see page 223 of the course syllabus.
We have four stated modes of existence, each with their own submodes. These are Republican (referred to for the rest of the problem R), Democrat (D), Conservative (C) and Liberal (L). These four modes can be paired off into twos, given the following conditions:
R can equal C, but never D
D can equal L, but never R
R sometimes equals L
D sometimes equals C
C and L can never equal each other
Give that in this paticular problem, R=C and D=L. (Henceforth will be referred to as RC and DL.) The combination of R and C can equal several possible outcomes: the Ten Commandments in your classroom, for example. In this paticular equation RC's outcome is a bleeting nasal sound and a book celebrating the life of JoeMcCarthy, (JoeMcCarthy=RC squared/paranoia + pumpkins.)
The combination of DL can equal several possible outcomes: a seemingly unstoppable streak of losing, for example. In this paticular equation DL's outcome is a wild hairdo and ability to march in a three-piece suit.
Your question is, which mode of existence, in this one equation, overpowers the other? You have ten minutes. You may use scratch paper if you need.
Posted by emily at 6:04 PM | Comments (2)
August 8, 2005
McChesney, Jennings, Uncle Walter... American Journalism b. 17??- d. 1996-2005
Fitting that on the night of Peter Jenning's passing, PBS's NOW ran a program with Robert McChesney. McChesney (who was a Seven Stories Press writer and whom I have met) is one of the foremost media critics in America. He has been forcasting the collapse of American journalism for some time. His foremost concern: the consolidation of media ownership, stemming from the 1996 telecommunications act.
The vultures have definetely gobbled up the entrails. We are stuck with six major media conglomerates holding the cards. There has been a marked increase in self censorship amongst the media. The low point: the refusal to question the reasons Bush gave for the Iraq war. The Fourth Estate couldn't muster even a low jab towards the President. A powerful, questioning media makes a full, true and rich democracy. It is their duty to investigate power. Now they are awash with power themselves, embedded in the Beltway, toasted at cocktail parties.
They didn't tell us FDR was in a wheelchair or that JFK was screwing Marilyn Monroe, but we did not need to know that. We needed to know that Vietnam was not going as well as Robert MacNamara was claiming. We needed to know that Howard Hunt was on the White House payroll. We still need to know so much. We are not being told anything.
After watching ABC's announcement of the death of Jennings last night, I flipped to the other news sources, to see what they were going to say about Jennings. On Fox, Geraldo was proving his worthlessness yet again (which seems impossible after Al Capone's vault and the nosejob and the airing of our troop movements.) The chick in Aruba, yet again. Some woman in Ohio going crazy on some cops. The hidden killer in your microwave. Your children will die tomorrow. We distract, your brain atrophies and dies.
Walter Cronkite, to me, is still the most respected newsman in America, due eulogies to Peter Jennings aside. Nobody beats Cronkite, although I have the utmost respect for Jim Leher, Bill Moyers, Morley Safer, the late David Brinkley, the (way) late Edward R. Morrow, Mike Wallace, Dan Rather, Christiane Amenpour, Ted Koppel, Daniel Schorr and, I hate to admit it, Sam Donaldson (just for the arrogance.) As the above (exception: Amenpour) age, so the standard lowers. "60 Minutes" is a shadow of it's former glory and CNN is absolutely laughable.
PBS is really the only place left that gives you more then two minutes a topic. Where they don't lead with the Aruba chick (I'm so sick of missing children stories. Children go missing every year at an alarming rate, most of them African-American. It's frankly disturbingly sexual that we focus on these blond girls. Some sociologist should really look at that. Of course, PBS will be the only one who would show such a report. AND, while mothers across the country are alarmed, they should remember that, although their kids may be snatched up at exotic locals, they don't have to work in factories anymore and they won't die of polio, TB or Spanish influenza.)
The media is decaying rapidly. So what, you say. We have the internet. Problem: a blog has no authority. I have no authority. You have no authority. We aren't in Baghdad, we aren't in Niger, we aren't in Iran. We can spout off anything but we actually know nothing. Plus, plurality does not equal consistancy or excellence. So many shouting mouths only drown out what needs to be said.
Jennings said something that I think is key. I will paraphrase: news is not there to comfort, to assure America that it is safe. Some nights it will do that, other nights it won't. News is there to inform.
I'm sure he would agree with the addedum that it is not there to titilate, obfuscate or pontificate, either. But that's what it does nowadays. Fox, yes, is the large elephant that we all throw arrows at. There is plenty to hate on Fox, including the recent Bill O'Reilly interview where the bastard actually had the temerity to question John McCain on torturing prisoners (and question McCain's AUTHORITY on such a subject) How many years did McCain spend in as a POW again?
The Right-wing media bonanza may eat itself. (Witness Novak's profane waltz off the stage, further cementing him as the nutcase du jour.) But that is not the true problem. NBC and CBS all opened tonight with Jennings. BBC did not. They commented on the high oil prices, on Iran's resuming uranium enrichment and on, natch, the health scare that will do you in. (Not smoking, though.) I didn't see any mention of the very bizarre political cockfight going on in Japan right now, nor did I see much on the Niger famine and the world's culpability. I don't even recall much on the oil-for-food debacale at the UN.
Oh, but two Jackson jurors now regret the acquittal. This is news.
I think that my generation may be the last to have grown-up with the "anchor." We didn't have the internet or cable news (except CNN, which was such a different animal in those days.) This may be the long end of American journalism. As I have the past six or so years, I will turn to the BBC, to NOW, to PBS, to NPR. (And to my many print sources.) I watched the nightly news of the Big Three tonight for the first time in years. Maybe I was hoping that the death of Jennings would herald a return to world news, which he, for all I question him on, so deeply loved. I was disappointed.
And that's the way it was on August 8, 2004.
Posted by emily at 8:47 PM | Comments (0)
August 7, 2005
"Deep Suckpact": Toby Is In It
Did anyone know that Richard Schiff was in "Deep Impact"? And as Frodo Baggins' father? (Frodo Baggins' mother-in-law in the movie was Tasha Yar.) AND Kate Harper/Howard Stern's wife plays an astronaut with Frank Burns/Lt. Col. Killgore/Tom Hagen. And yes, I knew Morgan Freeman was the President. Should have made for a great movie, what with all forms of sci-fi, poli-sci and Frodo-sci mixed in, as well as an Astroid and a Redgrave.
It is a piece of shit.
Well, Denise Crosby makes plenty of piece of shit movies (Pet Sematary, anyone?) and Mary McCormick has black hair for the damn thing. But Robert Duvall and Morgan Freeman... how much were they paid?
Tea Leoni went to Sarah Lawrence. I bow my head in shame.
Posted by emily at 11:32 PM | Comments (0)
August 3, 2005
What A Fine Mess You've Made Here, Alice
Read an interesting piece in the New York Review of Books. Two intereting pieces, actually.
1) In all our self-congradulation on bringing "democracy" to Iraq, very little has been said on who is actually being elected. The new Iraqi Shi'ite government is linked to theocracy in Iran and many are making plans to bring theocracy into Iraq. (Which, believe me or not neocons in my own family, was NOT an Islamic state under Saddam. Man, do we all get tired of saying that, or what?) In many southern towns, Islamic rule has already taken effect, in everything down to woman's dress code. Iran has spies in every corner of Iraq; has interests taking deep hold. You can't blame the Shi'ite Iraqis. Iran has been a better friend to them than us, who abandoned their uprising against Saddam AFTER OUR PRESIDENT INCITED IT and let 100,000 Shi'ites die without lifting a finger. Don't even ask how to Kurds feel all about all this.
2) Our efforts to understand the feelings and rationalizations of the young men in Al-Qaeda usually boil down to this: "Dem A-rabs must be crazy!" If we were to treat them as rational actors, than we might be able to combat their efforts more effectively. Confusion and anger (and the want to belong to something larger than themselves) drive many men into bin Laden's open arms, not a collective brand of insanity. It's also key to understand that this paticular Jihad will eventually burn itself out, with or without America's GSAE (Global Struggle Against Extremism... yes, they are just fucking with us.) Not that there isn't one waiting in it's place, but angry poor young drifters are a dime a dozen around the world. It just takes a superpower stupid enough to arm and train them. Oops.
Posted by emily at 11:24 AM | Comments (0)
August 1, 2005
Fat Charlie's Favorite Hip-Hop
I know that the people who read my blog are namely my brother and his friends. Y'alls are not into hip-hop. At least, none of you have had any discussions with me about Wu-Tang's place in history or Jay-Z's "Black Album."
I love hip-hop. Not all of it, but a great deal of the fantastic jams of the last twenty-five years. I'd be an MC, but I don't think the world's ready for a white chick rapper from a small town.
Top Ten albums, not in the correct order (Roots should be much higher up!)
Posted by emily at 1:51 AM | Comments (1)
(1) My Own Mix Rap CD
Hip-Hop is known for a certain DIY spirit and for phat mixes.
1) Jay-Z "Hard-Knock Life"
2) Notorious BIG "Hypnotize"
3) Wu-Tang Clan "Uzi (Pinky Ring)"
4) Wu-Tang Clan "Reunited"
5) Supernatural "Suckaz"
6) Jurassic 5 "Quality Control"
7) Outkast "Bombs Over Baghdad"
8) Nas "Nas Is Like"
9) Gang Starr "Soliloquy of Chaos"
10) Sugerhill Gang "Rapper's Delight"
11) Afrika Bambaata "Planet Rock"
12) Jedi Mind Tricks "some track I downloaded that I don't have the title for, but is HOT"
13) Ton Loc "Funky Cole Medina" (don't preted like you don't like it!)
Posted by emily at 1:43 AM | Comments (1)
(2) Anthology (1996)
Fat Charlie could've chosen one of the many great albums by A Tribe Called Quest. "Midnight Marauders", perhaps. But Tribe had so many jams on all their albums, this seems like the best route.
I've been to many people's houses. People who are into Dave Matthews, people who are into Metallica, people who are into Dave Brubeck. They all own this album. It has been played at literally every party I've ever been to that has been attended by people under forty. Q-Tip, yes, you can kick it.
Favorite Tracks: "Check The Rhime", "Bonita Applebum", "Can I Kick It?", "I Left My Wallet..."
Posted by emily at 1:33 AM | Comments (0)
(3) Reachin' (A New Refutation of Time and Space) (1993)
Why should we just sample funk and disco? Samplin' jazz made their sound one of the finest. Too bad they slipped away; we could use a rebirth of slick right about now. Great album.
Favorite Tracks: "Rebirth of Slick", "Femme Fetal" (one of the only pro-choice raps I've ever heard) "Nickel Bags"
Posted by emily at 1:22 AM | Comments (0)
(4) 3 Years, 5 Months, 2 Days In The Life Of... (1992)
One of the first CDs Fat Charlie ever bought, and we all have a copy. And if we don't, we want one. We all remember and wonder what the hell happened to Speech? Where is he? Have we checked Tennessee?
Fat Charlie's introduction to the power of hip-hop and the world's introduction to hip-hop that didn't have to come from one of the coasts or the inner city. Still great, even after middle-school.
Favorite Tracks: "Mama's Always On Stage", "Give A Man A Fish", "Tennessee", "People Everyday"
Posted by emily at 1:15 AM | Comments (0)
(6) and (5) The Chronic (1992) and Doggystyle (1993)
I am twenty-six years of age. Formative albums, even though I admit I've never owned either one. But we've all heard them. Years before "shizzle" became acceptable slang. The two biggest selling rap albums, perhaps of all time. And you still know all the words "Nothing But A G Thing" motherfucker. So just chill til the next episode.
Favorite Tracks: The hits: "Nothing but A G Thing", "What's My Name?", "Gin and Juice"
Posted by emily at 1:10 AM | Comments (0)
(7) Blazing Arrow (2002)
Blackalicious... what to say. They sound like nothing that came before them, they sound like everything that came before them. This album remains one of my favorites, over critic fav "Nia." Nia's good... but this one's better.
Favorite Tracks: "Blazing Arrow", "Sky Is Falling", "First In Flight" (Featuring the Great Gil Scott Heron) "Release Pt. 1, 2 ,3"
Posted by emily at 1:01 AM | Comments (0)
(8) It Takes A Nation of Millions To Hold Us Back (1988)
True hip-hop historians are smacking upside the head going "NUMBER 8!!!" On every other rap list, this album is usually top five, if not the crowned the greatest hop-hop album of all time. Well, I loves it, but this is Fat Charlie's list.
True visionaries. The first true political hip-hop. The greatness of Chuck D. (Forget that Flavor Flav is now a VH1 staple; that clock neck piece was fabu, dahling.) And the way "Bring The Noise" begins... you should always start your car with that track in your player... "Bass! How low can you go..."
Favorite Tracks: "Bring The Noise", "Don't Believe The Hype" (Obvious choice... In England, I saw a whiter than white folk singer COVER this.) "Terminator X at The Edge of Panic", "Show 'Em Whatcha Got"
Posted by emily at 12:51 AM | Comments (0)
(9) Wyclef Jean Presents The Carnival Featuring Refugee Allstars (1997)
There are some who don't see it, but Wyclef is one of the greats of hip-hop. Yes, it is a "whathaveyoudoneformelately" world and this album is both commercial and, cough, NOT the Fugees. Perhaps it's the Freshman year in college thing; you don't forget walking around Sarah Lawrence hearing "Bubblegoose" coming from everyone's room. Anyway, we all know why this album is great. One song. As Wyclef says "January, February, March, April, May, I see you crying, but girl I can't stay, I'll be gone 'til November, I'll be gone 'til November... and give a kiss to my mother."
Favorite Tracks: "Apocalypse", "Bubblegoose", "Gone Til November". "Stayin' Alive" (so sue me!)
Posted by emily at 12:41 AM | Comments (0)
(10) Things Fall Apart (1999)
This remains one of the few CDs I have in my car. Oh the love. For all of you not into hip-hop, this may be a good starting point. Again, maybe not. Nobody quite sounds like The Roots.
Favorite Tracks: "The Next Movement", "100% Dundee", "Step Into The Realm"
Posted by emily at 12:29 AM | Comments (0)