« The Talent of Aaron McGruder | Main | And Again With The End of The World »
March 6, 2005
I'm Not A Funny Person, Therefore I Must Out-Source
"I wouldn't give my troubles to a monkey on a rock."
David Letterman
"President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?"
David Letterman
"USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population."
David Letterman
"We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere, at any given time, the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo!"
David Letterman
"If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice."
Conan O'Brien
"President Clinton signed a $10 million deal to write a book by 2003. Isn't that amazing? Yes, and get this, not only that, President Bush signed a $10 million deal to read a book by 2003. "
Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain."
Jon Stewart
"I feel your scorn and I accept it."
Jon Stewart
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?"
Woody Allen
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch."
Woody Allen
"Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again."
Woody Allen
"Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday."
Woody Allen
"Sex between 2 people is a beautiful thing; between 5 it's fantastic."
Woody Allen
"There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?"
Woody Allen
"Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage."
Woody Allen
"What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet."
Woody Allen
"OK, so what's the speed of dark?"
Steven Wright
"Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy."
Steven Wright
"Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them."
Steven Wright
"Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines."
Steven Wright
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
Steven Wright
"A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths."
Steven Wright
"I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes... "
Steven Wright
"I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire."
Steven Wright
"I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance."
Steven Wright
"All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable."
Fran Lebowitz
"There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior."
Fran Lebowitz
"As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you."
Fran Lebowitz
"Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add."
Fran Lebowitz
Posted by emily at March 6, 2005 1:40 AM