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March 14, 2005
Going Down The Road Feeling Bad With Jesus and Moses and George W. Bush
Some elements of free speech are neither free nor speech. Sometimes you have to pay $2.99 at your local convenience store to plaster a pithy slogan on the back of your truck. You may think it makes a statement. You are incorrect. Nothing can be sufficiently profound and read while passing at 80 mph on the right. I have no time to gestate on these things.
Take Ricky Ricardo in the white suburban whose bumper was adorned with a familiar Biblical vision. Two stone plaques with ten Roman numerals (incorrect, there were no Romans in Moses’ time.) I take it on Ricky’s good faith that the Commandments are actually listed there. I would have caused a ten-car pile up attempting to read them. So basically, it’s two plaques with Roman numerals that could say anything. God Bless America. Feed the Pigeon. No More Garlic Mashed Potatoes.
I don’t need to be reminded not to kill people on the freeway. I believe it is the general idea. I can’t covet my neighbors wife if I’m not at home.
James Mitchner in the pickup had one of my all-time favorites. WWJD. It looked much like a W’4 sticker and you know these are the same armchair cowfuckers. Take away the sophomoric slam of the drunk frat boy “What Would Jack Daniel's do?” That’s not funny anymore.
If Jesus came back and was on the freeway, I believe he would have a heart attack. Because 80 mph is very scary to your long-dead Armenian. Never mind the radio, air-conditioning, heating, bucket seats, smooth jazz, cup-holders and windshield wipers. And then you’d bring him home and he’d stroke out, baby. Can you imagine what Jesus would think of the microwave? Fuck healing the lepers; he’d spend ten years in Circuit City trying to play catch-up.
Speaking of W’4 people, is it wrong for me to deliberately piss them off on the road? They advertised their affiliation. I’m not wrong in my response to tailgate and trap them behind a semi. They asked for fumes and rocks in their windshield; this is what a vote for Bush does.
We are a divided country. Just ask Pearl Bailey in her Malibu.
Posted by emily at March 14, 2005 3:05 PM